body issues, here you go again

I already composed a blog post about these body issues I am currently facing, but I decided not to post that version. I re-read everything and freaked out on how sick my thoughts were. I sounded very unhealthy, very desperate, very pathetic.

Basically, this is all about me being concerned and worried on how 'fat' I am, even though everybody around me tells me otherwise. The last time I had this episode was during my second year in college, and that was triggered by an incident where my friend called me 'fat' in front of so many people (basically she just wanted to embarrass me?). Before then, I never thought how sensitive I could be when it comes to my weight and body.

I was a chubby kid when I was younger and growing up, I started to shed off the weight. Pretty normal, isn't it? That is why I also wondered why I was that affected by that incident. It must be the embarrassment it cost me. I was caught off-guard, and I hate that feeling.

I don't know what triggered me this time. I couldn't even remember when this episode started. I just found myself weighing and measuring myself twice a day. I am also having these urges of poking my throat whenever I feel full (but I haven't came to a point of doing that, don't worry). I cannot explain why I feel like this, what do I want, and where do I go from here.

My parents are freaking out about this when they knew, thanks to my brother whom I tell all my secrets to. Trust me, I have underwent every session of how 'okay, perfect and fine' my body and my weight are. I also talked to Fresh about this too over Gtalk and she also made me feel better. I have also discussed the same thing with Joanna over Facebook. I also have been reading ONTD posts and it made me feel good about myself. Don't get me wrong---I don't go there to harvest mojo from all the hate posts, but the people there make sense, especially on the stuff about celebrities who allegedly have eating disorders.

I know I look healthy yet I am still insecure with my figure which is totally wrong, right? But I don't want to be thin… like Alexa Chung thin. I feel better that a lot of people still prefer shapely legs (which I have) over twig-like legs ala Alexa's.

Here's a photo of me:






And here's what I am talking about when I say “Alexa Chung thin”:






Even my favorite girl and number one girl crush Leighton Meester has ‘meat’ on her legs:







My confidence is slowly recuperating and I am really looking forward to the day that I get over this shit. I am starting to eat healthily and have been avoiding junk food and soda. I have yet to start exercising, so good luck to me.


: I Wanna Be Adored - The Stone Roses